Newt Gingrich Stands Up for Family Values

Desperately tries to repeal gay marriage before he is forced to bang another staffer.

Newt Gingrich, a man who believes so strongly in traditional marriage that he has tried it three times, has waged a desperate and clandestine war to repeal gay marriage in Iowa. The twice-divorced former Speaker of the House, who currently lives with a woman 23 years his junior that he was banging behind his second wife’s back while frothing at the mouth about Bill Clinton’s blowjob, funneled $200,000 to groups seeking to unseat Iowa’s pro-gay marriage Supreme Court justices – including $125,000 to the virulently anti-gay “American Family Association.”

A spokesman for Gingrich confirmed that the dough-faced pundit had become increasingly concerned that if gay people were allowed to marry, he would have no choice but to seek out a IHOP waitress and foist his pasty white man-flesh upon her while his third wife and children look on in abject horror.

“It’s a real possibility,” said an unnamed Gingrich insider. “He served his first wife with divorce papers while she was still recovering in the hospital from cancer. Jesus Christ, if he was willing to do that to her then, imagine what he’ll do if two gay men are allowed to live together in a committed, loving relationship? Farm animals might be involved.”

About John Marcotte

John Marcotte is a firm believer in traditional family values. He currently opposes government-funded death panels, Obama talking to children and MSNBC's entire prime-time line-up.
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8 Responses to Newt Gingrich Stands Up for Family Values

  1. Nik says:

    And I thought America was supposed to be the land of the free.

  2. Martin Woodrow says:

    A Newt is a small green reptile that preferes to swim in muddy water.
    The name says it all.

  3. Mark says:

    John Marcotte is brilliant! He is a master at illustrating the extreme hypocrisy of the extreme right and all of its neoconservative, fundamentalist, ANTI-AMERICAN, fascist nut-jobs. Thanks John.

  4. Myron T. Philpot says:

    Nik, only if you go along with the flow of the majority. For those in the minority, tough luck. [/sarcasm]

  5. klarg says:

    Newt has 3-family values.

  6. Coxhere says:

    Are you sure this ugly @sshole has only been hetro-married only 3 times? Oh, yeah, that’s right: f*cking all those other penis-less humans does not equate to hetro, marriage inequality. Those are merely situations of adultery. But they’re still great as long as procreation was the motivation and the intent.

  7. Andrea says:

    I have always and always will believe that marriage is a religious institution, yet the state has taken it over. I personally don’t care what people do in their bedrooms as long as they don’t bother me. I believe God intended men and women to be married. The problem I see is that most people don’t believe in God anymore, only instant gratification. And since the state has become involved, they have become so lax in the legal aspect that families and children are destroyed with a swipe of a judges pen. I agree with the divorce ban; less very extreme exceptions…proven abuse, incest etc..I waited for my husband for a year while he was deployed to Iraq and he never came home. Not due to a bullet, but due to a scandalous tramp who divorced her doctor husband and took all his money to finance my divorce. Pretty selfish in my eyes; they destroyed two families and left irreairable damage to all the children involved…There was no discussion…only a text message I received while I was headed to the airport to pick him up from Iraq. The worst part is that the UCMJ has laes against that, but since he was no longer enlisted in the military and working as a DOD employee..there was nothing I could do. He took everything and left me with our debt..Where do I sign?

    • Joe the Plumber says:

      I would contact the esteemed Reverend James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family. He truly, absolutely cares about family values, and not just bashing gay people and extorting politicians for lots of money (even though he’s accused of that daily).

      If you go to their website, you’ll see buried in the footer ways to contact him (right below the multiple flashing buttons imploring you to donate money).

      Yes, despite the tremendous evidence to the contrary, FotF is NOT about making James Dobson even wealthier. They do like harrassing gay people, too.

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