Pat Robertson understands traditional values — perhaps better than anyone else. The conservative evangelical founder of the 700 Club knows that women should submit to their husbands, that God thinks that assassinating foreign leaders is OK and that evangelical Christians in the liberal United States are just like Jews in Nazi Germany.*

But Pat is a tolerant man. He spoke of the redemptive quality of God’s love when confronted with the evils of men having their timbers shivered by Jack Sparrow at Disney World during “Gay Days.”

I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you, This is not a message of hate — this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.

It is precisely because of Pat’s stronger-than-average grasp of traditional values, that I was thrilled to find out that we were the lead news story on Pat’s Christian Broadcast Network! I was so excited that I could have kissed Pat — and maybe taken him for a trip on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

*All real Pat Robertson positions